image 267276270612x612.jpg (24.8kB)
In my neighborhood, as I was coming up, two parent households were rare. If I recall correctly, out of all my childhood friends, only one lived in a two parent home. It would often feel that men were optional. The independent woman was alive and well, while struggling occassionally, still managing to handling business and take care of her family. These independent women made living look easy, somehow.
Fast forward 20 years later and here I was entering a marriage with this independent woman syndrome, which I can honestly say has the potential to absolutely destroy a marriage. Although I never said anything outright to my husband, my actions demonstrated an "I can take him or leave him" mentality. In my early marriage those bad behaviors showed up in the way I would disagree and communicate, or not communicate. I could stop speaking to my husband for days on end and I was cool. Even when it felt odd, I didn't let it show. I would think if he leaves, I'll be fine too. See, I watched my single mom raise 3 amazing daughters, and don't forget all the other independent, single mothers I mentioned above from my childhood neighborhood. They held it down. So in my marriage I would often think I got this, I'm good, "I don't NEED a man." Women don't need men, yeah they're cool to have around, but we can make things happen without them too, right? Men are good for sexually satisfying women, or taking us out, but when it comes to what really matters, they wearen't necessary, right? Wrong! Can you just imagine for a second the impact this way of thinking has on a relationship.
Yes, it's wonderful to be bold, independent, and strong, it's probably one of the things a man is initially attracted to in a woman. But I've also learned that men want to feel desired and needed too. He wants to know that you depend on him for certain things and that you put your trust in him.
Eventually, I had to stop fronting in my marriage. My husband isn't by any means optional. I'm going to tell you all the truth, I need and want my husband. I need our friendship, verbal connection, and intimacy. It keeps me motivated so I can pursue all my other desires. Yes, I work, make my own money, and have my own business, but I still want and need him too. It feels amazing when he protects me and takes the lead in our home. My husband is my best friend. I trust him to put mine and our daughter's needs first and I also expect him to provide for us and take care of us. Of course I could take care of us just fine, but marriage is a partnership and I don't want to do it alone. It's better because of him. I want my husband by my side enjoying this life together.
I am so happy to have learned that lesson early in in my marriage. If I hadn't, I would have lost my husband. I'm not so independent that I don't need a man. I need mine, but more importantly, I want mine.
